He saw her the moment he walked
through the door... Grocery shopping with her mother,
Arlene, for Thanksgiving dinner...
Their eyes met automatically as she offered a weak, but honest smile and said hello.
He stammered a quick recognition, as he quickened his pace towards his destination. Realizing... as he walked that his
wave, with palm up and arm fully extended towards her, had been an unconcious move at pushing this moment away...
His heart began to
pound in a pathetically wild way as he struggled to gain control over his breathing...He had known that this day would come,
but was ill prepared for his bodies response, as he tried to concentrate on the work that had brought him to this place.
Seeing her had instantly
opened a vast, consuming pain and a curiousity that he could not diminish... As he continued his work, he realized that he must speak to her.
His decision had not
been instant and hundreds of holiday shoppers became obstacles as he searched the store for sight of her. His pace,
nearly frantic, searched ever aisle, beyond every horizon.
At last, in the produce section, his sickness consuming him, he found her. There... with
her cart full of Holiday feasting, he walked towards her slowly.
He had long thought of the inevitability
of this moment, but prepared words were lost. With butterflies rapidly beating stomach acid to his throat, he managed
a raspy "Lisa hello". She turned to face him, almost reluctantly, because the guilt was hers to bear.
"I guess I look
a little different" , she offered. "Is it a boy or a girl?" his increasingly raspy voice responded.
Lowering her eyes to her blessing, she choked out "a girl".
As the water welled to his eyes...
Dreams of Birthday parties, graduations and proud fathers
at their daughters weddings.... Burned a hole in his
heart. Intoxicated by the smoke... He paused as if frozen in time.
"Are you happy and are you doing well?",
he managed. "Yes I am happy... very happy", she convincingly whispered. He could not help but see that
it was true from the loving light in her eyes.
The conversation lingered only slightly more then became pointless. He gazed at this
beautifull woman, so obvious with child, as if she and her child were the final and most condemning affirmation of his regection...
his worthlessness.
"It was real nice seeing you again" he desperately whispered, wanting her to know
somehow that she was forgiven. With slight recognition, she warmly said, "It was real nice seeing you again too".
She smiled again...
weakly and turned to her grocery cart. He looked into her eyes and managed a faint smile, but looked away quickly... For fear that his rejection might imprison him in her memory forever.
He walked away briskly,
flexing himself subtley, hoping that she had second thoughts, but secure in the knowledge that she did not.
He continued his drudgery
in a lonliness reopened. Barriers, so valiantly
constructed, were diminished by a single sighting of her. Hope,
once held, was lost in the affirmation of reality.
Yes... the bleeding dagger of reality... The reality of being unwanted, unworthy and unloved.
Abandoned and beaten by his parents,
abandoned and tortured by his lovers, he was slow to accept his fate. To accept would mean losing all hope.,.. To lose all hope would be to lose all that could ever heal him. If there is no healing... there is only death.
He climbed into the seat of his truck, not
fully happy with what he had said. Forgetting all
of the words that meant so much for him to say, even while knowing that it was useless.
Consumned in the reflection
of tear stained eyes... he drove away.
Would he ever be good enough? Would a lover want him forever... So much
it hurt? The way he was hurting?
As he drove on... he
thought of the laughter and smiles. Every moment spent together, as if a biography, stealing through his mind.
He saw her naked and
wanting, but could not relive the trust. He smelled her... he tasted her. He remembered not having to steal the clothes from her body... the promises spoken as he licked and caressed
her every molecule.
Consumed in the musky sweat of loving... as if he were licking her.... As it was when he was inside her. The sounds, sincerity... the amimal passion.
He couldn't help but feel now that it was just another set up for his lifes devastating confirmation.
Beaten by the pain
of love lost forever... He pulled into his drive.
Beneath, now leafless
trees, he absently performed the nightly chores of feeding, cleaning and chopping wood for warmth.
As he lit the fire... Staring into the flames... He
saw only flickering lights of hoplesness.
He breathed the smoke that calmed him... He drank the poison that numbed him. He
petted the Dog that loved him.
Cold and silent... The
night reigned on... The moon obscured by clouds.
He participated while his mind convinced his soul to even darker despair.
Spreading a blanket
by the fire... He dreamed of a lover there. He lit a candle to convince the mood... But the lonelinness reopened grew.
He sat deep into the night and thought about another love yet to be. He prayed that she would not be his final and most damning confirmation.
A new love thought
to set me free.... Crushes, beats and imprisons me... He thought out loud.
He looked at himself, in his wranglers,
in the mirror. He took the kilts from his boots because
he did not feel fancy.
He thought of all the love that would be shared tomorrow, on Thanksgiving, and all that he
would be missing. He relived all that he had offered
of himself just to be in that loving warmth.
He felt a lonliness that barriers no longer protected. He questioned his worth... His
loyality to anything. He questioned the value of his
existance.
Finally... Exhausted by poison and
pain... He lay down on the blanket.
His final thoughts
of the family circle around her. It seemed that she
was finally happy. For this he was relieved.
With a final act of
suffering... Forgiveness was complete... The agony forever.
RW Desperado 1994
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